The importance of talking and exploring

Last time in this blog, I talked about how my wife and I had started to use oral sex and sex toys as an alternative to penetrative sex.

This week, I'd like to look at how to deal with the changes in sex drive and sexual inclination which can follow a stroke. I have mentioned in previous posts how sex-drive can go up and down, or sexual interests can alter, because of the brain-changes caused by a stroke.

I am an ideal example of that. I'm heterosexual, I've been happily married for nearly 30 years, I don't feel sexually attracted to men and I have no desire for that marriage to be threatened. But ever since my stroke (and yes, I can honestly say that it's only been since my stroke), I've felt an urge to play with a penis.To suck and lick a cock, to run my tongue around the glans and the balls, to rub my fingers up and down the shaft and, yes, to eat cum.

I've had brief conversations with my wife about this but we haven't discussed it at great length  (sorry! Awful pun!). Then I joined an online conversation this week in an American-based group for stroke-survivors to discuss sexual issues. A couple of happily-married ladies had talked about a new-found wish to experience and explore lesbian sex, a desire which had only surfaced since their stroke. I shared my own experience and we talked for some time.

Both ladies were of the opinion that if they (and I) didn't do anything about fulfilling our fantasies, they would always be in the back of our minds, gnawing away at us and getting in the way of having a fulfilling sex life. One lady said she had body-image issues which she needed to deal with first, but experiencing lesbianism was definitely one of her top priorities once they were conquered.

The other lady had gone further. Being firmly of the view that the issue had to be confronted, she had spoken to her husband about it. He was understanding and sympathetic and had discussed it with an openly-bisexual friend of the family, who was willing to help out.

The two ladies had exchanged photographs and are now working on a date for their date.

As for me? After hearing these survivors talk about the need to deal with this, otherwise it will fester, I plucked up the courage to discuss it with my wife. After all, what were the alternatives? To let it just sit in my mind, to go behind her back and end up sucking a real cock in a rough hotel room somewhere (with all the potential unpleasant consequences), or be honest with her.

So we talked for nearly an hour. She also was understanding and sympathetic and talked openly about looking for ways in which we could solve this together. In the end, we agreed to buy a dildo - An eight-inch long realistic one, with veins and bumps and a circumcised glans which replicates a real penis. The model we have chosen vibrates at differing speeds for added enjoyment.

We have talked about the various possibilities for sex play, including her performing oral sex on me while I perform oral sex on the toy. We have talked about her alternating between the toy and the real thing. We have even discussed the possibility (mentioned by her, not me) of her using it for anal sex on me, something I had never before considered, but might be willing to try.

The discussion has undoubtedly opened up new fields in our sexual relationship and got us talking about things we have never discussed. For all of us, myself and my wife and the two ladies (and, no doubt, their husbands), it has made us think about the importance of honesty in a sexual relationship. If you feel something, say it or do it. What's the worst that can happen? If your partner declines, at least you know where you stand; if they agree to try something, you've moved forward.

As for me and my wife and my dildo? I'll let you know.....

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